The Dummies Guide to Surviving Mumbai Traffic

1) Learn to use all the lanes – Your life is not one dimensional. Why should your driving be any different? Expand into adjacent dimensions and learn to use all the lanes. Sachin would not be Sachin if he just played the cover drive expertly. Changing lanes frequently is one of the most quickest ways to beat the traffic. In India, there is no such thing as lane driving. In fact, if lane driving were equated to marriage, we Indians would be the most promiscuous of the lot. The more you switch lanes, the better your chances of moving one car ahead. Don’t worry if Murphy’s Law messes up your plan and the lane from which you got out starts moving now. Get into that lane again. Repeat till you reach your destination. Keep an eye out for lane switching opportunities. With experience, I have seen that you will have the best chance to switch lanes with motorcycles, rickshaws and women drivers. Either these vehicles are small in size or their drivers take long to realize that the traffic has started moving. Hell, if they have such slow synapses in their brains, they shouldn’t be driving. Even rickshaw drivers have perfected the art of reaching the right-most lane from the left-most lane in around 2-3 car lengths. Why not give them a taste of their own medicine?

2) Signalling – Signalling before making a turn is a total waste of time. You have read Sun Tzu, haven’t you? Signalling gives your enemy (specifically, the car behind you or to the side) an idea of where you are plotting your next move. And Napoleon certainly didn’t win so many wars by giving out his military strategies. Keep ‘em in the dark, don’t signal before turning. When used effectively with the point above, it can be a very potent strategy to demolish your opposition. The enemy will be left stranded in the battlefield, gasping at his own misfortune. And as a coup de grâce, you can deploy the signal indicator after you have switched the lanes. You have moved to the next lane faster than light from the signal indicator has reached them, confirming that you – indeed – are the world’s fastest Indian.

3) Traffic signals – Traffic signals are just unnecessary infrastructure bought and installed by the traffic police to fulfill their yearly expenditure budgets. They serve no useful purpose. 1/3rd of the traffic signals don’t work, 1/3rd work overtime (all the three lights are on at the same time) and the rest 1/3rd are not visible from the road (hidden behind a tree or a hoarding). To succeed as a good driver, you need to understand the meaning of the different colours. Green means you own the road. Take your time to cross. Snigger at the other cars stuck at the red signal. Stick out your tongue if possible. Amber means you’ve got a couple of seconds to get your ass through the crossing. Honk incessantly and flash your lights to prod the lazy buffalo in front of you to move quickly. Red? Well red doesn’t mean anything specific in India. Especially if there is no traffic cop in sight (more on these specimens later on). At times, I have seen a few cars and a couple of BEST buses squeeze in just after the signal has turned red. Occasionally, you have those blinking Amber signals. That means that it is a free-for-all. Don’t give a fuck about the other vehicles. Navigate through the traffic at your own leisure. May the best driver win.

4) Traffic signs – Traffic signs are a necessary evil. Necessary for the average driver with an average IQ. But for a successful and determined driver such as yourself, they are nothing but an eye-sore. In fact, they are cryptic hieroglyphs for portals into the 5th dimension. By using them correctly, you can get a head start on your competition and you will find that they take you to your destination much faster. If there is a sign saying “No right turn”, make that right turn. Always go through the wrong end of the One Way sign. And the best place to park is under a No Parking sign. So go ahead, don’t be shy and make that move into the 5th dimension. Einstein would be proud of you.

5) Traffic cops – Sigh. What do I say about these party-poopers who ruin a perfect moment to show your F1 skills? Locally known as pandus or maamus, they are found lurking around major traffic signals often behind trees or a parked vehicle. The general consensus is that they cause more harm than help. They are likely to slow down and cause a traffic jam when traffic could have been moving smoothly otherwise. They pounce on each and every opportunity to give you a ticket – some times for minor violations, but mostly for meeting their daily quota. Here’s a small tip to identify the particularly dangerous ones. Look out for a medium sized black notebook in their hand. That is their secret weapon – the pavti booklet. That is what they can use to slap some random fine on you if they are in the mood for some vada pav and tea. I have heard of instances where the pavti booklet has been used to smack motorcyclists into submission. They will start off by asking for your license, then your PUC, then your car insurance, then your marriage certificate, your address proof, and your last salary slip – all attested. The ones without the pavti booklet are harmless. Ignore them as you would ignore a fly in your soup. You can zoom by them fearlessly, I have even splashed muddy water on a few of these docile cows. Of yeah, but if they have a motorcycle lying in the side, beware. Not even Schumacher in his Ferrari could outrun a cop on a two-wheeler in Mumbai. However if you do get caught, given below is a secret way to get out of the rut cheaply.

6) Emergency services – A very controversial but effective strategy is to get behind an ambulance, or a fire engine or a police jeep and then follow that vehicle to get past the hordes of commoners waiting to get on in life. These emergency vehicles are almost always given right of way. Why shouldn’t you make use of that loophole? Honk continuously as if you are escorting the said vehicle. If it makes your conscience feel any better, go to a temple afterwards and offer a coconut for the troubled soul in the ambulance.

7) Pedestrians – Aargh, another of my pet peeves. Pedestrians think they own the road. A common sight is to see the bourgeois class crossing the road at their whims and fancies. There is no fixed place for crossing the road in Mumbai. The whole road is a big zebra crossing. Sticking out their hand and not looking at the driver is a common way used by pedestrians to get their right of way for crossing the road. Stand up to such bullies. Start honking, flashing your headlights or floor the accelerator. It will startle them at least and get them running helter-skelter for safety. This is the funniest sight next to splashing water on them in the rains. Of course sometimes you may see a beautiful lady crossing the road and you, being a perfect gentleman should allow her to do so. Brake hard as if you have narrowly saved her from coming under your car. Ignore the idiot honking behind you. Look at her continuously and if she smiles, then you’ve scored. Pump your fist in the air! Who says chivalry is dead?

8 ) What to avoid – Like the famous warrior/author Sun Tzu said, it is good to know when to fight, and when to avoid fighting. Avoid getting into a race with the following entities. They have a definite advantage over you and they can crush you mentally and/or physically if you get into competition with them. The first are the BEST buses. These are the tyrannosaurs of traffic. They have diplomatic immunity greater than what our Foreign Minister enjoys. They will serve left and right, up and down, in all 6-axes to get to the next bus stop. It is best not to get stuck in either direction of these monsters. Last but not the least, let me introduce you to the Sachin Tendulkar’s of driving. By the time you have scored one run, they would have completed a century. By them, I mean the pizza delivery guys. I mean, I have seen good drivers, but what they do is sheer poetry. If driving is art, then these guys are Picassos. The way they effortlessly navigate their puny bike in traffic is a sight to with-hold. I may have been drunk that time, but I think I once saw a pizza guy slip under a BEST bus and out the other side before the conductor could say Pudhe chala. Whenever I look at these guys handling the stress and pressure, I can almost hear Beethoven playing in the background. It’s a bittersweet symphony. Best not to compete with them but to sit back and enjoy the experts in action.

Bonus Tip

Getting caught – If, once in a blue moon, you do get caught then here’s a tip to get out of the mess cheaply. First some background. There are two pricing plans followed by the cops. One is the Ambani price and the other is the No-Frills price. As the name suggests, only the Ambani family can afford the Ambani price – which is basically the official price as mentioned by the cop along with a receipt. For the commoners like you and me, there is another offer called the No-Frills price. This is a very thoughtful scheme started by the cops. All you get in the no-frills offer is a cheap way out. You don’t even get a receipt. According to surveys in the police department, the No-Frills collections are distributed in the following manner – 1/4th goes to the vada pav and tea fund, 1/4th goes for some beedi/paan/gutkha fund, and the rest 1/2 goes to the missus for her needs. Internally there has been a big hue and cry about the half which goes to their better half. But little can be done about it, even cops know that. So back to the tip. The No-Frills amount is any sum of money mutually agreed between you and the cop. So the idea is to keep an alternate wallet with around 100-200 bucks only. Then plead with the traffic cop saying that you really don’t have much money coz’ the missus took the other half. Don’t worry, he will take the amount which you give him, respond with an understanding nod and let you go. Until next time, go back to Step 1 and repeat.

All in all you’re just another car in the jam
All in all you’re just another car in the jam.

The society has given the residents an option of limited timings of water supply or private water tankers. The latter options costs money. And the residents of the society have voted for that option.

So an important question to be asked is how should the payment be distributed? Should it be a flat amount for all flats or should it vary according to the number of residents in each flat? The justification of the latter option is a no-brainer. Larger families are likely to use more water than a family of two individuals.

Now comes the interesting game theory aspect into this problem. People with larger families would oppose the proportionate fee structure while smaller families would oppose a flat fee structure. In each case one of the parties would feel that they have been given a raw deal.

Now assume that the flat fee structure is adopted. This means that the smaller families will be disgruntled since they are paying a per capita higher rate than the larger families. Thus they will indulge in wasteful water usage to compensate for the higher fee. The larger families will use at least an amount minimum to their needs. However its more likely that they would be a little careless in using water as they are being subsidised by the smaller families. Overall this leads to wasteful water usage for the entire society.

Now let’s assume that the variable fee structure is imposed based on the number of residents in each flat. Here the reverse would happen. The larger families would be disgruntled and would spend water in a wasteful manner while the smaller families would use at least the minimum share of the water. Overall this option too leads to a wasteful usage of water.

Both these options seem to result in wastage of water. So what then is the optimal distribution of payment? Is there a better way of distributing water? The best option which comes to my mind is to implement a water meter system which tracks the actual usage of water (which may be of course more cumbersome and expensive to implement)

Let’s see what the society management comes up with. Till then out with the buckets and drums to store all the water.

Posted from my mobile: Please excuse grammar and typos.
UPDATE: Well, my society decided not to get into the nitty-gritties of Game Theory and adopted the first option instead! Limited water supply from now on. So much for trying to explain Game Theory to them.

Here are some excerpts from the report. By 2030, in India:-

* 590 million people will live in cities. This is twice the population of the US today

* 70% of net new employment will be generated in cities

* 68 cities will have population of 1 million plus. The whole of Europe has only 35 such cities today.

* 700-900 million sqmetres of commercial and residential space needs to be built. That is equivalent to building a new Chicago or two Mumbais every year!

* 7400km of metros and subways will need to be constructed, which is 20 times the capacity added in the past decade.

* Five large states – Tamil Nadu, Gujarat, Maharashtra, Karnataka and Punjab will have more people living in cities than in villages.

* Private car ownership would increase, shortcomings in the transportation infrastructure have the potential to create urban gridlock.

* The road transportation gap will rise from 210 thousand lane kms to 440 thousand lane kms. (Yipee, more traffic jams for the same price)

Yes, India’s cities are growing at a rapid pace, and people are migrating to big cities. The most important question now is whether the government is up to it. Is the government going to create PPP models for developing urban infrastructure? Is it going to go the China way by creating SPVs? Or will it twiddle its thumbs while India wastes away its demographic divided? Profound questions the answers to which will be more profound.

PS. Is it ironic that I’m writing this while I’m stuck in a traffic jam?

Now to cut a long story short, we got the car back after paying the requisite fine. But while paying the fine, I saw at least 10 other towing receipts in front of me. A quick back on the envelope calculation follows:-

Let’s assume 16 receipts per day (probably up to 20). 16 * 300 = 4800Rs. 4800 * 30 = Rs1.44 lakhs. Assume 30 police chowkis in Mumbai. Rs30 lakhs per month to the Mumbai pandus. Wonder how much of this goes in to their stomachs.

But while researching traffic rules, I stumbled upon this gem of a FAQ. The Mumbai police explaining traffic rules to inquisitive questioners. The helmet section is a hoot. Check out this question for instance:-

Question: Why must I wear a helmet?

When man was created, he was quipped with a skull to protect his brain. This original protection measure ” set-up” was effective in the then soft environment which was man’s normal habitat’. As man evolved, he started by taming the horse, as he outgrew the speed capability of the horse, he began searching for faster modes of travel. He first developed the steam engine, followed by the internal combustion engine and then the turbine. Man, while he has succeeded in propelling himself at speeds that would have scared his ancestors, has also changed his surroundings to hard unyielding surfaces both horizontal and vertical.

Unfortunately, he has not been able to transform himself to the protective needs of his new lifestyle and environment. The helmet is, therefore, necessary and just a link in the long chain of safety equipment and counter measures man has to use in his present surroundings.

Lol. Talk about beating the bush. The author of this FAQ would make a good consultant. Read the entire Mumbai traffic police FAQ at your leisure.

For instance, this is what the lady had to say while quoting her rates.

Rs 400 – Washing clothes (assuming 4 people)
Rs 600 – Washing utensils, drying them and placing them in the cupboard (400 for washing and 200 for drying)
Rs 400 -Jhaadu pocha.
Rs 400 – Dusting furniture (excluding windows)
Rs 200 – Cleaning windows.
Rs 200 – Cleaning bathrooms.

That works out to around Rs 2200 for a month’s worth of work. And oh yes, before I forget, here’s the clincher – the paid-leave clause. The lady is expected to take 2 days of leave per month. But if she doesn’t, you have to give her that two days’ worth of pay.

Wow, even I have never gone into such a level of detail during my salary negotiations. Maybe this is not a bad strategy to adopt. After this level of detail, you just don’t have any room left for negotiation. You pick what you want to get done, and do the rest yourself. Obviously the wife isn’t too thrilled about this.

Let’s see, hoping the previous maid resolves all her family problems and returns. Else it is time to tighten the purse strings and make some difficult choices.

Day One (25 Jun 09) - Left an umbrella in the auto rickshaw. May God provide shelter to a umbrella-less person.

Day Two (26 Jun 09) - The back up umbrella I have fails to keep me dry in the rain last Friday. Got drenched from head to toe in my walk from Jogeshwari to the WE highway. Incidentally, this umbrella was bought from Gurunath stores in IIT Madras. Evidently, umbrellas manufactured in Chennai cannot protect you in the Mumbai rain.

Day Three (29 Jun 09) - A new umbrella bought for 200 bucks. In the second use, the bottom handle of the umbrella goes flying into the air. Stuck with a half-broken umbrella. It seems the Rain Gods are determined to keep me wet through this monsoon.

Day Four (30 Jun 09) – A relatively dry day. Bandra Worli Sea Link (BWSL) takes up centrestage. Finally opened in 2009 (as opposed to a planned date in 2004) at a cost of around Rs 1600 crore (at around 5 times its original budget). And to think my boss cribs about my project running a month late. But I’m not complaining (about the BWSL). Mumbai needed a monument like this since a long time. Now the only thing to see is how the police manage to protect this structure.

This infograph shows the revenue earned by the weighing machines installed on Mumbai suburban railway stations. Figures are in Rs lakhs (100,000). Further more each machine takes one rupee coin to issue your weight. So this is where all the one rupee coins have disappeared. What’s more, Mumbai’s weighing machines earn more than me.

Last week I had gone to Juhu beach with a few relatives. Those of you who have been there would know about the popular eating area near the beach – most of them making Indian snacks like pani puri, pav bhaji etc. One item which is very famous is the baraf gola. Roughly translated as ice candy, it consists of ice scraped into small bits and then stuck together on a stick. This is then dipped into a thick, sickly sweet syrup of different flavours. Everything ranging from orange, malai, kala khatta, green mango etc is available. The syrup mixture is stored in previously used – and hopefully cleaned – liquor bottles. Still crowds flock there every day to enjoy a moment with their family, friends on the beach and to relish the delicacies being served there.

Now a very interesting thing happens especially in the evenings and night time. There are around 20-30 of these stalls, and each of them sell the same thing (Truth be told, even the food from each stall tastes the same) And since there are a large number of sellers and buyers, the area models a perfect competition. Now since it is a market economy, the forces of supply and demand are bound to work. And that is what is interesting. To attract the customers and survive in the long run, they play the price game. First of all, each stall will have an “employee” carrying a menu card and calling you to try out the food at their stall. Sometimes fights happen when customer are “poached” away from a rival stall. In this market, the customer is king. All you have to do is to go to any stall and ask them how much are they willing to give discount. They will come close and whisper their answer in your ear. And then by haggling some more, you can further reduce the price by a few bucks.

But I wonder the same thing would work in the day time. There are less customers so the pressure on the stall owners to get whatever little of the share would be higher. So do they offer even more discount in the daytime? That is one thing I have yet to discover. So if anyone of you find yourself on Juhu Beach under the bright sunlight, do observe and comment on the supply demand scenario at that time.

Twelve water bottles – Rs 144

Four vegetarian biryanis and one omelet – Rs 181

Six samosas, three teas and two coffees – Rs 60

Anti-nuisance money for chakkas- Rs 30

Reaching aamchi Mumbai after 22 long hours in the train – Priceless

There are some people who can fly, for everyone else there’s Indian Railways.

View more of the Priceless ads by Mastercard here.