The Dummies Guide to Surviving Mumbai Traffic

1) Learn to use all the lanes – Your life is not one dimensional. Why should your driving be any different? Expand into adjacent dimensions and learn to use all the lanes. Sachin would not be Sachin if he just played the cover drive expertly. Changing lanes frequently is one of the most quickest ways to beat the traffic. In India, there is no such thing as lane driving. In fact, if lane driving were equated to marriage, we Indians would be the most promiscuous of the lot. The more you switch lanes, the better your chances of moving one car ahead. Don’t worry if Murphy’s Law messes up your plan and the lane from which you got out starts moving now. Get into that lane again. Repeat till you reach your destination. Keep an eye out for lane switching opportunities. With experience, I have seen that you will have the best chance to switch lanes with motorcycles, rickshaws and women drivers. Either these vehicles are small in size or their drivers take long to realize that the traffic has started moving. Hell, if they have such slow synapses in their brains, they shouldn’t be driving. Even rickshaw drivers have perfected the art of reaching the right-most lane from the left-most lane in around 2-3 car lengths. Why not give them a taste of their own medicine?

2) Signalling – Signalling before making a turn is a total waste of time. You have read Sun Tzu, haven’t you? Signalling gives your enemy (specifically, the car behind you or to the side) an idea of where you are plotting your next move. And Napoleon certainly didn’t win so many wars by giving out his military strategies. Keep ‘em in the dark, don’t signal before turning. When used effectively with the point above, it can be a very potent strategy to demolish your opposition. The enemy will be left stranded in the battlefield, gasping at his own misfortune. And as a coup de grâce, you can deploy the signal indicator after you have switched the lanes. You have moved to the next lane faster than light from the signal indicator has reached them, confirming that you – indeed – are the world’s fastest Indian.

3) Traffic signals – Traffic signals are just unnecessary infrastructure bought and installed by the traffic police to fulfill their yearly expenditure budgets. They serve no useful purpose. 1/3rd of the traffic signals don’t work, 1/3rd work overtime (all the three lights are on at the same time) and the rest 1/3rd are not visible from the road (hidden behind a tree or a hoarding). To succeed as a good driver, you need to understand the meaning of the different colours. Green means you own the road. Take your time to cross. Snigger at the other cars stuck at the red signal. Stick out your tongue if possible. Amber means you’ve got a couple of seconds to get your ass through the crossing. Honk incessantly and flash your lights to prod the lazy buffalo in front of you to move quickly. Red? Well red doesn’t mean anything specific in India. Especially if there is no traffic cop in sight (more on these specimens later on). At times, I have seen a few cars and a couple of BEST buses squeeze in just after the signal has turned red. Occasionally, you have those blinking Amber signals. That means that it is a free-for-all. Don’t give a fuck about the other vehicles. Navigate through the traffic at your own leisure. May the best driver win.

4) Traffic signs – Traffic signs are a necessary evil. Necessary for the average driver with an average IQ. But for a successful and determined driver such as yourself, they are nothing but an eye-sore. In fact, they are cryptic hieroglyphs for portals into the 5th dimension. By using them correctly, you can get a head start on your competition and you will find that they take you to your destination much faster. If there is a sign saying “No right turn”, make that right turn. Always go through the wrong end of the One Way sign. And the best place to park is under a No Parking sign. So go ahead, don’t be shy and make that move into the 5th dimension. Einstein would be proud of you.

5) Traffic cops – Sigh. What do I say about these party-poopers who ruin a perfect moment to show your F1 skills? Locally known as pandus or maamus, they are found lurking around major traffic signals often behind trees or a parked vehicle. The general consensus is that they cause more harm than help. They are likely to slow down and cause a traffic jam when traffic could have been moving smoothly otherwise. They pounce on each and every opportunity to give you a ticket – some times for minor violations, but mostly for meeting their daily quota. Here’s a small tip to identify the particularly dangerous ones. Look out for a medium sized black notebook in their hand. That is their secret weapon – the pavti booklet. That is what they can use to slap some random fine on you if they are in the mood for some vada pav and tea. I have heard of instances where the pavti booklet has been used to smack motorcyclists into submission. They will start off by asking for your license, then your PUC, then your car insurance, then your marriage certificate, your address proof, and your last salary slip – all attested. The ones without the pavti booklet are harmless. Ignore them as you would ignore a fly in your soup. You can zoom by them fearlessly, I have even splashed muddy water on a few of these docile cows. Of yeah, but if they have a motorcycle lying in the side, beware. Not even Schumacher in his Ferrari could outrun a cop on a two-wheeler in Mumbai. However if you do get caught, given below is a secret way to get out of the rut cheaply.

6) Emergency services – A very controversial but effective strategy is to get behind an ambulance, or a fire engine or a police jeep and then follow that vehicle to get past the hordes of commoners waiting to get on in life. These emergency vehicles are almost always given right of way. Why shouldn’t you make use of that loophole? Honk continuously as if you are escorting the said vehicle. If it makes your conscience feel any better, go to a temple afterwards and offer a coconut for the troubled soul in the ambulance.

7) Pedestrians – Aargh, another of my pet peeves. Pedestrians think they own the road. A common sight is to see the bourgeois class crossing the road at their whims and fancies. There is no fixed place for crossing the road in Mumbai. The whole road is a big zebra crossing. Sticking out their hand and not looking at the driver is a common way used by pedestrians to get their right of way for crossing the road. Stand up to such bullies. Start honking, flashing your headlights or floor the accelerator. It will startle them at least and get them running helter-skelter for safety. This is the funniest sight next to splashing water on them in the rains. Of course sometimes you may see a beautiful lady crossing the road and you, being a perfect gentleman should allow her to do so. Brake hard as if you have narrowly saved her from coming under your car. Ignore the idiot honking behind you. Look at her continuously and if she smiles, then you’ve scored. Pump your fist in the air! Who says chivalry is dead?

8 ) What to avoid – Like the famous warrior/author Sun Tzu said, it is good to know when to fight, and when to avoid fighting. Avoid getting into a race with the following entities. They have a definite advantage over you and they can crush you mentally and/or physically if you get into competition with them. The first are the BEST buses. These are the tyrannosaurs of traffic. They have diplomatic immunity greater than what our Foreign Minister enjoys. They will serve left and right, up and down, in all 6-axes to get to the next bus stop. It is best not to get stuck in either direction of these monsters. Last but not the least, let me introduce you to the Sachin Tendulkar’s of driving. By the time you have scored one run, they would have completed a century. By them, I mean the pizza delivery guys. I mean, I have seen good drivers, but what they do is sheer poetry. If driving is art, then these guys are Picassos. The way they effortlessly navigate their puny bike in traffic is a sight to with-hold. I may have been drunk that time, but I think I once saw a pizza guy slip under a BEST bus and out the other side before the conductor could say Pudhe chala. Whenever I look at these guys handling the stress and pressure, I can almost hear Beethoven playing in the background. It’s a bittersweet symphony. Best not to compete with them but to sit back and enjoy the experts in action.

Bonus Tip

Getting caught – If, once in a blue moon, you do get caught then here’s a tip to get out of the mess cheaply. First some background. There are two pricing plans followed by the cops. One is the Ambani price and the other is the No-Frills price. As the name suggests, only the Ambani family can afford the Ambani price – which is basically the official price as mentioned by the cop along with a receipt. For the commoners like you and me, there is another offer called the No-Frills price. This is a very thoughtful scheme started by the cops. All you get in the no-frills offer is a cheap way out. You don’t even get a receipt. According to surveys in the police department, the No-Frills collections are distributed in the following manner – 1/4th goes to the vada pav and tea fund, 1/4th goes for some beedi/paan/gutkha fund, and the rest 1/2 goes to the missus for her needs. Internally there has been a big hue and cry about the half which goes to their better half. But little can be done about it, even cops know that. So back to the tip. The No-Frills amount is any sum of money mutually agreed between you and the cop. So the idea is to keep an alternate wallet with around 100-200 bucks only. Then plead with the traffic cop saying that you really don’t have much money coz’ the missus took the other half. Don’t worry, he will take the amount which you give him, respond with an understanding nod and let you go. Until next time, go back to Step 1 and repeat.

All in all you’re just another car in the jam
All in all you’re just another car in the jam.

No matter what you think about Baba Ramdev’s jet-setting lifestyle, or even if he was using this to enter politics, you can not argue against the issue which he was fighting for. Corruption. And the way the Congress chose to show its power was totally uncalled for. On the other side, the BJP has got a gift-horse in the mouth due to this and is looking to milk this opportunity dry.

This current batch of politicians is like that batch of college students, who turn out be particularly nasty and crude in the eyes of the faculty. And for the entire duration that batch stays in the college, the faculty can never find a word of good to be said about them. Same with our politicians. Even if I start searching now, I won’t be able to find sufficient reasons to vote for one party over the other during the next general elections. Thankfully, that is quite some time away. Maybe a couple of more scams, and the vote could swing one way or the other.

Any brand which wants to make its presence known in India needs to first understand that Indians will never buy anything before trying to reduce its price from the quoted price. We are not embarrassed to bargain for any of the products mentioned above. Heck, even I ask the shop keeper about a possible discount or add-ons on any product I buy. The second reason why pricing is very important in the Indian mindset is that India is a population of over 1 billion. And not all of them are well off. Even in the urban areas, the majority of the population is middle class – who would be getting exposed to these brands for the first time. Not the upper class who would any way have had these brands through the black or grey markets I talked about earlier. And this class would be less sensitive to product pricing. So the most important sections of the population for brands in India to be targeted are the middle and lower class. That is the second reason why it is very important to get the pricing just right.

To my mind, three brands come to my mind who have got this pricing correct, if not perfect. McDonalds, and recently Blackberry and Oreo.

McDonalds – When McDonalds came to India in 1996, it was a proper foreign brand. Something which the elite population from the upscale neighbourhoods would visit. The rest had their local burger joints where they could get an Indianized version which was tastier. In 1997, McDonalds had around 9 outlets in the country. By 2002, this number rose to 46 [link]. Currently this number stands somewhere above 100 [link]. More than the number of stores which have increased, the change which McDonalds has managed to pull off is that Indian consumers do not see McDonalds as a foreign brand now. With its low pricing points and a menu that is decidedly Indian, it has been embraced by the middle class population. 20Rs can get you a burger or a puff which was unheard of when McDonalds opened its stores. Where else in the world would you get a menu item with paneer and only with the tandoori flavour in its chicken burgers, has McDonalds managed to push itself in the Indian menu. College kids can afford a party at McDonalds, so can a guy going on his first date impress his potential girlfriend by treating her to an international food joint with a fun ambiance with privacy thrown in. Other brands have tried – Dominos and Pizza Hut with its mini pizzas, Subway with its 3-inch sandwiches, but none have come close to what McDonalds has achieved through proper pricing and an Indianized menu.

Blackberry – Blackberry is the epitome of what a smartphone should be and do. When Blackberry was introduced into the market, it was a revolutionary change of how a mobile phone can be used to stay in touch with your emails. At that time, GPRS was also not widespread and through its push mail service, it increased the convenience and mobility of a laptop to a hand held device. Blackberry was introduced in India in 2004-05. At that time, it was totally aimed at the board-level managers – purely business usage. Having a Blackberry was akin to having a Ferrari, or at least a Mercedes. But today, RIM has changed its positioning from a business user to a wider spread of users. The trump card it has is still its pushmail service and the Blackberry Messenger (BBM) which allows any user having a blackberry (and a valid service plan) to message any other blackberry user anywhere in the world for free. I have heard that Nokia and others have come up with pushmail and similar free messaging services. But nothing compares to the ease which Blackberry provides. Coming to the pricing points, just two years ago, a decent Blackberry model was available for around 25000Rs. There were cheaper models but none in the price range affordable to the casual user. But today, Blackberry has a model which caters to the college crowd – the 8520 touch which comes at a price of around Rs9500 in Mumbai. By positioning the Blackberry as a cool and convenient way to stay in touch with your friends, and keeping an affordable price point, Blackberry has again tapped into the Indian psyche successfully. Interestingly this was something which Nokia had done much before Blackberry. But now Nokia seems to be in its death throes by not being able to match up to its competition, particularly with the Android-enabled phones eating up a lot of its market share.

Oreo – This brand was one of those which were available only through imports. One of those shops which sells imported chocolates and gadgets would probably stock these. Else, the only place you would see these is in the movies. This was introduced in India very recently – possibly as an effect of Cadbury buying over Kraft (who owned the brand). The pricing point was Oreo cookies is Rs10 for a small pack, and Rs20 for a bigger pack. The price of an imported pack of Oreo biscuit was Rs50, way beyond the reach of the middle class consumer. Oreo is aimed against the Britannia Treat series or the Pure Magic ones and is now in a comparable price range. It is very early to say about the change in sales as a result of this pricing point, but having tasted these biscuits, I would definitely find them addicting and attractive at this price point. A similar product which comes to my mind are Pringles. Unfortunately, they haven’t decreased their prices. A big pack of Pringles still costs over 100Rs – a luxury I can afford only one every quarter.

There are many other brands which may have got the pricing right in the Indian market – once they do that, there is a whole lot of market share to be captured. Share such brands which you have come across in the comments below.

10:00am. Female crowd gathers around the employee.
Heyyyyyyyyyy, hiiiiiiiii, how are you?
How was your trip?
When did you come back?
Was the flight on time?
So, how was the weather?
Heyy, you have gained weight.
Heyy, you have lost weight.
Oooohh, new shoes? Nice.
1:30pm. Back to work.

When a male employee comes back from onsite,

10:00am. Male crowd gathers around the employee.
Hey, how were the chicks there? Pretty hot, huh?
10:10am. Back to work.

Wife: He he, you look like the feng shui baba.
Me: Look like who?
Wife: You know the one with the big round belly, who is shown laughing with his hands above his head.
Me: You mean the Laughing Buddha?
Wife: Yeah, that one.
Me: …

Time to hit the gym. Chintu Chaurasia, now that you’re out of a job, call me.

Just after I posted this, I was reminded of a similar post I had made against coffee earlier in this blog. Made for interesting reading.

Courtesy: Lifehacker

If you have ever been to a cinema in India, there are countless numbers of movies going on. Some in English, some in regional languages. The funniest are the ones which are dubbed from English to Hindi (or any other languages). With the widespread access of cable and satellite TV, now we have dedicated channels showing dubbed movies. So you don’t even have to buy a ticket. For example, we have had Spiderman in Gujarati shown on a regional channel. And the dubbing of these movies is so brilliant/atrocious that it is always fun to watch it in Hindi – if you can just forget the million “lost in translation” moments which come up.

Enough of the back story, now the point of this post. I went to IMDB, I went to Google Translate and I started checking out movies which I would like to see in Hindi. Here are some of the funniest results. Of course there might be thousands more. Feel free to check it out.

• Terminator 2: Judgement Day – टर्मिनेटर 2: प्रलय का दिन
• North by Northwest – उत्तर पश्चिम से उत्तर
• American Beauty – अमेरिकी सौंदर्य
• The Good, the bad and the ugly – अच्छा है, बुरे और कुरूप
• Lord of the rings: Fellowship of the ring – अंगूठियों का मालिक: यह फैलोशिप अँगूठी की (Just like Kahani ghar ghar ki, fellowship angoothi ki)
• Psycho – पागल
• Its a beautiful life – यह जीवन है एक अद्भुत

and my favourite, भेड़ के बच्चे की साधना. Guess which movie this is.

See the entire top 250 list converted to Hindi here.

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