The Dummies Guide to Surviving Mumbai Traffic

1) Learn to use all the lanes – Your life is not one dimensional. Why should your driving be any different? Expand into adjacent dimensions and learn to use all the lanes. Sachin would not be Sachin if he just played the cover drive expertly. Changing lanes frequently is one of the most quickest ways to beat the traffic. In India, there is no such thing as lane driving. In fact, if lane driving were equated to marriage, we Indians would be the most promiscuous of the lot. The more you switch lanes, the better your chances of moving one car ahead. Don’t worry if Murphy’s Law messes up your plan and the lane from which you got out starts moving now. Get into that lane again. Repeat till you reach your destination. Keep an eye out for lane switching opportunities. With experience, I have seen that you will have the best chance to switch lanes with motorcycles, rickshaws and women drivers. Either these vehicles are small in size or their drivers take long to realize that the traffic has started moving. Hell, if they have such slow synapses in their brains, they shouldn’t be driving. Even rickshaw drivers have perfected the art of reaching the right-most lane from the left-most lane in around 2-3 car lengths. Why not give them a taste of their own medicine?

2) Signalling – Signalling before making a turn is a total waste of time. You have read Sun Tzu, haven’t you? Signalling gives your enemy (specifically, the car behind you or to the side) an idea of where you are plotting your next move. And Napoleon certainly didn’t win so many wars by giving out his military strategies. Keep ‘em in the dark, don’t signal before turning. When used effectively with the point above, it can be a very potent strategy to demolish your opposition. The enemy will be left stranded in the battlefield, gasping at his own misfortune. And as a coup de grâce, you can deploy the signal indicator after you have switched the lanes. You have moved to the next lane faster than light from the signal indicator has reached them, confirming that you – indeed – are the world’s fastest Indian.

3) Traffic signals – Traffic signals are just unnecessary infrastructure bought and installed by the traffic police to fulfill their yearly expenditure budgets. They serve no useful purpose. 1/3rd of the traffic signals don’t work, 1/3rd work overtime (all the three lights are on at the same time) and the rest 1/3rd are not visible from the road (hidden behind a tree or a hoarding). To succeed as a good driver, you need to understand the meaning of the different colours. Green means you own the road. Take your time to cross. Snigger at the other cars stuck at the red signal. Stick out your tongue if possible. Amber means you’ve got a couple of seconds to get your ass through the crossing. Honk incessantly and flash your lights to prod the lazy buffalo in front of you to move quickly. Red? Well red doesn’t mean anything specific in India. Especially if there is no traffic cop in sight (more on these specimens later on). At times, I have seen a few cars and a couple of BEST buses squeeze in just after the signal has turned red. Occasionally, you have those blinking Amber signals. That means that it is a free-for-all. Don’t give a fuck about the other vehicles. Navigate through the traffic at your own leisure. May the best driver win.

4) Traffic signs – Traffic signs are a necessary evil. Necessary for the average driver with an average IQ. But for a successful and determined driver such as yourself, they are nothing but an eye-sore. In fact, they are cryptic hieroglyphs for portals into the 5th dimension. By using them correctly, you can get a head start on your competition and you will find that they take you to your destination much faster. If there is a sign saying “No right turn”, make that right turn. Always go through the wrong end of the One Way sign. And the best place to park is under a No Parking sign. So go ahead, don’t be shy and make that move into the 5th dimension. Einstein would be proud of you.

5) Traffic cops – Sigh. What do I say about these party-poopers who ruin a perfect moment to show your F1 skills? Locally known as pandus or maamus, they are found lurking around major traffic signals often behind trees or a parked vehicle. The general consensus is that they cause more harm than help. They are likely to slow down and cause a traffic jam when traffic could have been moving smoothly otherwise. They pounce on each and every opportunity to give you a ticket – some times for minor violations, but mostly for meeting their daily quota. Here’s a small tip to identify the particularly dangerous ones. Look out for a medium sized black notebook in their hand. That is their secret weapon – the pavti booklet. That is what they can use to slap some random fine on you if they are in the mood for some vada pav and tea. I have heard of instances where the pavti booklet has been used to smack motorcyclists into submission. They will start off by asking for your license, then your PUC, then your car insurance, then your marriage certificate, your address proof, and your last salary slip – all attested. The ones without the pavti booklet are harmless. Ignore them as you would ignore a fly in your soup. You can zoom by them fearlessly, I have even splashed muddy water on a few of these docile cows. Of yeah, but if they have a motorcycle lying in the side, beware. Not even Schumacher in his Ferrari could outrun a cop on a two-wheeler in Mumbai. However if you do get caught, given below is a secret way to get out of the rut cheaply.

6) Emergency services – A very controversial but effective strategy is to get behind an ambulance, or a fire engine or a police jeep and then follow that vehicle to get past the hordes of commoners waiting to get on in life. These emergency vehicles are almost always given right of way. Why shouldn’t you make use of that loophole? Honk continuously as if you are escorting the said vehicle. If it makes your conscience feel any better, go to a temple afterwards and offer a coconut for the troubled soul in the ambulance.

7) Pedestrians – Aargh, another of my pet peeves. Pedestrians think they own the road. A common sight is to see the bourgeois class crossing the road at their whims and fancies. There is no fixed place for crossing the road in Mumbai. The whole road is a big zebra crossing. Sticking out their hand and not looking at the driver is a common way used by pedestrians to get their right of way for crossing the road. Stand up to such bullies. Start honking, flashing your headlights or floor the accelerator. It will startle them at least and get them running helter-skelter for safety. This is the funniest sight next to splashing water on them in the rains. Of course sometimes you may see a beautiful lady crossing the road and you, being a perfect gentleman should allow her to do so. Brake hard as if you have narrowly saved her from coming under your car. Ignore the idiot honking behind you. Look at her continuously and if she smiles, then you’ve scored. Pump your fist in the air! Who says chivalry is dead?

8 ) What to avoid – Like the famous warrior/author Sun Tzu said, it is good to know when to fight, and when to avoid fighting. Avoid getting into a race with the following entities. They have a definite advantage over you and they can crush you mentally and/or physically if you get into competition with them. The first are the BEST buses. These are the tyrannosaurs of traffic. They have diplomatic immunity greater than what our Foreign Minister enjoys. They will serve left and right, up and down, in all 6-axes to get to the next bus stop. It is best not to get stuck in either direction of these monsters. Last but not the least, let me introduce you to the Sachin Tendulkar’s of driving. By the time you have scored one run, they would have completed a century. By them, I mean the pizza delivery guys. I mean, I have seen good drivers, but what they do is sheer poetry. If driving is art, then these guys are Picassos. The way they effortlessly navigate their puny bike in traffic is a sight to with-hold. I may have been drunk that time, but I think I once saw a pizza guy slip under a BEST bus and out the other side before the conductor could say Pudhe chala. Whenever I look at these guys handling the stress and pressure, I can almost hear Beethoven playing in the background. It’s a bittersweet symphony. Best not to compete with them but to sit back and enjoy the experts in action.

Bonus Tip

Getting caught – If, once in a blue moon, you do get caught then here’s a tip to get out of the mess cheaply. First some background. There are two pricing plans followed by the cops. One is the Ambani price and the other is the No-Frills price. As the name suggests, only the Ambani family can afford the Ambani price – which is basically the official price as mentioned by the cop along with a receipt. For the commoners like you and me, there is another offer called the No-Frills price. This is a very thoughtful scheme started by the cops. All you get in the no-frills offer is a cheap way out. You don’t even get a receipt. According to surveys in the police department, the No-Frills collections are distributed in the following manner – 1/4th goes to the vada pav and tea fund, 1/4th goes for some beedi/paan/gutkha fund, and the rest 1/2 goes to the missus for her needs. Internally there has been a big hue and cry about the half which goes to their better half. But little can be done about it, even cops know that. So back to the tip. The No-Frills amount is any sum of money mutually agreed between you and the cop. So the idea is to keep an alternate wallet with around 100-200 bucks only. Then plead with the traffic cop saying that you really don’t have much money coz’ the missus took the other half. Don’t worry, he will take the amount which you give him, respond with an understanding nod and let you go. Until next time, go back to Step 1 and repeat.

-The Road Why Taken
By Frustrated Traveler

“We have started one engine and the air-conditioner will come on in some time.”

But after an uneventful 1:30hrs we landed in Bengaluru. New airport, some 45km from the city. After another hourse and a half drive into the city and we reached our destination.

Attended the training on first day. Then met up with college friends – it was a good reunion. Good memories of college times. Regret not taking a snap of everyone together.

First impressions of Bangalore? A good city with wonderful weather. Coming from the oppressive heat of Mumbai, Bangalore felt like a hill station. Reminds me of a trip to Ooty in the not too distant past. I can understand how one cannot enjoy Bangalore alone.

Other good points? Property is cheaper than Mumbai. I guess that is true for all the cities in the world. And no offence, but people speak Hindi freely! Auto drivers fleece but are open to negotiation.

Travel is expensive. Haven’t yet had a problem with food. Tomorrow I’m leaving back for Mumbai – a nice 3-day experience, part work part holiday. Hope to come back for a longer trip.

Still to visit:
MG Road
Foodie joints
Discs
AOL Ashram

Posted from my mobile. Please excuse spelling misteks, miscorrect grammar and brevity.

There are a few individuals who have volunteered to steer the traffic and clear the jam but sadly no one listens to them. It is depressing when people are not willing to even make use of a service which is being offered for free.

What then is the solution? The solution given below is paradoxic and that’s why it is so difficult to accept.

“To reach faster, give way.”

This simple statement epitomises what the problem is and also what the solution could be. If everyone wants to be the first, no one eventually will. But if you let the other person make the first move, who knows you may be reaching home first.

But given the collective ‘wisdom’ of crowds, the status quo is probably the way its going to be. People will dismiss this suggestion as idealistic or too much to expect.

Strange are the minds of humans. Willing to overlook the simplest of solutions in search of more complex alternatives.

That was one of the extra-curricular activities/hobbies on my resume a few months ago. I have since removed it because I’ve always thought it to be a very cliched hobby to have. I’ve replaced it with other seemingly more niche hobbies (but that hasn’t made much difference to my career).

But the thing is that a hobby is a hobby. If you have that travel bug inside you then no matter what you’re likely to go places, or at least dream about going places. In the last four months, I’ve traveled considerably. I’ve been to a few places known, and a few unknown. So the travel bug is definitely active within me. But compared to me there are travellers who have explored the length and width of the globe and it is for them I wrote this post.

Recently I saw a video on Youtube about this guy who has travelled all around the world. The unique thing about his travels is that he performs this funny yet infectious dance every where he goes. Probably you might have heard of him, his name is Matt Harding, and the video is aptly titled Where the hell is Matt? He has also appeared in a Visa ad doing the same dance. His profile even has a cheekily named video Where the hell is Matt’s girlfriend [then?!] I found out about this video through another wonderful video made by final year students of IIT Madras. The video has the same theme, with students doing that funny dance in front of all the major landmarks in IIT Madras (Funny how could they forget Gajendra Circle of all places!) It won the best video award for Adieu 2009 (which is the farewell program for the final year batches). The interesting thing is that this video is an excellent example of a viral campaign, where Matt explains that his original video is a hoax. People lined up to see this confession, and then Matt releases another video saying that the hoax was actually a hoax! Some amazing stuff there.

There is this another guy Michael Hughes who gets souveniers from each of the places he visits and superimposes them in the pictures he takes. Take a look at his amazing gallery on Flickr.

I have travelled quite insignificantly compared to these fellows. Yet I plan to do so extensively in the future. After all this blog is all about a never ending search. Although I still haven’t uploaded my collection of Patel shots but someday there will be quite a few of them from my side. Till then I keep getting inspired from travellers like them.

PS -I have no idea where to fit the following paragraph. So it stays quietly in the postscript.

On one hand we Indians love to travel. Yet it seems that we Indians haven’t yet perfected the art of travel. For us, travel means planning the trip from start to end right up to the breakfast, lunch and dinner we’re going to have each day. Each person has a dedicated suitcase in which clothes are stuffed, with a couple extra thrown in just in case. We pack our own food, which includes everything ranging from rotis, theplas, pickles, fruits, biscuits and a huge watter bottle. On the other hand, I’ve seen foreign citizens in India carrying nothing but a backpack on their shoulders. Nothing in their trip is planned. Even the exchange students here in IIT take an impromptu trip during the weekends by hiring a bike and taking off. Guess the motto of the Indian traveller is Be prepared.

Streets of Pondy

After getting the means to move around, the second goal was to get some grub. We found a nice quiet bakery and fast food joint – Daily Bread. The food was quite decent though a bit expensive. But we didn’t mind. We stuffed ourselves and then hopped on to the bikes to search for a place to stay. Here too we had consciously decided to keep a strict budget. So after a few enquiries, we found a “cheap” hotel to spend the night. Hotel Ellora, nicely situated in a by-lane of Mission Street. The tariff worked out to a measly 100 bucks per person per night. But I would recommend this place only for people who have not been spoilt for comfort. A strict no no if you’re going with your family or have a female member in the group. Since we were eight carefree guys, we had no qualms about the cobwebs or the dirty linen (although we did tell them to change it) or the creaking fans. If I look back, the hotel was more of a haunted house. I wouldn’t have the guts to stay alone in such a hotel. The architecture was old colonial style with wooden beams along the ceiling and split windows. Each room was of a different shape. Somehow we managed to stuff eight people in two rooms. We left our luggage there and then made our way back to the city.

Pondicherry is divided into two parts, one is the French quarter and the other is the Tamil quarter. Both these parts are divided by the parallel running streets – HM Kasim Street (Ambour Salai) and SC Bose Street (Gingee Salai) The French influence is evident in the naming of the streets, the architecture of the buildings, especially on the beach front. Goubert Avenue (Beach Road) is the most popular hang out spot, with its beach facing promenade providing a wonderful view of the Bay of Bengal. In the evenings, throngs of people visit the promenade walking leisurely on the 1.5km waterfront. Other places of interest in the city would include the Aurobindo Ashram, the Cathedral and the Botanical Garden.

No trip to Pondy is complete without a trip to Auroville. It is located around 12 km from Pondy. Since we had rented bikes, it was a simple matter of reaching Auroville. However autos and taxis are available for a return journey from Pondy to Auroville and back which would cost around 200 and 350 bucks respectively (according to the travel guide). Auroville was established in 1968 by a Frenchwoman Mira Alfassa who was called the Mother. She named the town after Sri Aurobindo, as an example of realizing a new society where people from different nationalities and faiths would live in peace and harmony. Whatever your belief, Auroville is a place worth visiting. Its peaceful surroundings and quiet life makes you want to spend a quiet afternoon sitting under a tree (not) thinking about life’s problems.

Verite, Auroville

The visitor’s centre at Auroville has a cafe and a few souvenir shops. The souvenirs are made in Auroville itself. Although expensive, they make for a nice gift. One of the most interesting places we visited in Auroville was an area called Verite. Situated opposite a guest-house, Verite had a meditation hall, and beside it a small pool of fish. The unique thing about this place was that you were supposed to remove your footwear and dip your feet in the pool. These small fish would slowly come and gently touch your feet and go. Soon you will find a huge number of fish gently pecking at your feet. Some say they clean up the dirt on the feet. I’m not too sure, but the experience was certainly unique. There were a few big fish in the pool too. I wonder if they’d clean up my toes as well. The Matrimandir forms the centerpiece of the community. It is a huge meditation hall in the shape of a sphere and it contains the world’s biggest man-made crystal ball. According to an information video, the sun rays are deflected through an opening at the top of the sphere and directed on to the crystal ball. Visiting the Matrimandir, however, requires prior permission so its better if you book in advance to visit the dome. After spending a few tranquil hours in Auroville, we made our way to Paradise Beach.

Also known as Chunnambar Beach, this beautiful travel spot is located about 8km from Pondy. It had facilities for water sports but we couldn’t spot any such activity. A boat ferried us across the Chunnambar river to Paradise Beach. For me this was one of the best places to visit when in Pondy. The bright blue sea and the light blue sky almost blended into each other, the white sand providing the contrast. The beach is relatively small and quiet. It is a wonderful place for a date if you’re willing to spend an hour or so walking in the hot sun and sitting on the burning sand. But then, I’m sure you won’t mind such minor squabbles.

We then drove back to the city and spent an hour or two roaming on the promenade. I had heard about a book fair in some part of Pondy when we had arrived. I am not a person to miss a book sale and so we set out in search of the book fair. We found it easily (its opposite the Cathedral for those interested and in Pondy) and luckily I found a few books at a very cheap price. Satisfied and smug at the bargain, we then made our way back to the dinner place and stuffed ourselves. The next day we were supposed to leave early for Chennai (still have classes to attend), so we slept early. The next day, we returned the same way, in a state transport bus. The return journey was much quicker, but that could be because I slept most of the way. We got down at Thiruvanmiyur and made our way back to the IIT campus. And that was the wonderful end of a wonderful journey

I found Pondicherry to be an excellent holiday destination. Many people are attracted to the place because of its inexpensive liquor (it, being a Union Territory, doesn’t attract any tax). But the quaint city (town?) has so much else to offer that the best state to explore Pondy is when you’re sober! The slogan adopted by Pondicherry tourism – Give time a break – really seems to hold true here. The pace of life is so different that you will never want to go back to the hustle of a big city.